I have spent 3 days trying to figure out why 75% of the fans have picked Florida and Texas to play in the National Championship game. I then spent a day trying to figure out why the other 24% picked Alabama to play Texas. 99% of all sports fans are making the assumption that the National Championship game will include an SEC team and the Texas Longhorns. The other 1% feel Notre Dame should be involved in some way. Disregard the fact that they are 6-6 and don’t have a coach. I am going to drop some truth here and let you know that there are only two logical scenarios for how this bowl season will play out. Neither scenario involves the Texas Longhorns. Nebraska will beat Texas Saturday night. Texas QB Colt McCoy and Nebraska defensive linemen Ndamukong Suh enter into a controversial relationship due to the fact that Suh will be laying on top of him for most of the night and Nebraska pulls off one of the biggest upsets in college football. What will happen this year has never happened in college football history.

There has been some speculation on what would happen if Texas lost and history tells us they will. Since the BCS was created only 36% of the time the Championship game has involved two undefeated teams. Would TCU be selected? Would Cincinnati?

What would the BCS decide in order to have the most anticipated match up? Here are the two scenarios:

Scenario 1 – Since I am not a complete idiot I need to acknowledge that Texas has a shot at advancing into the Championship game. I know I already said they were going to lose, but if they win they will play in Pasedena. I personally believe they get beat. They have played 1 team that is currently ranked in the Top 25 in number 22 Oklahoma State. Texas survived last week against A&M but I think there luck runs out against Nebraska. If they do win they will go on to play a dominant SEC Champion and pull an Ohio State of 2007 and 2008.

Scenario 2 – This scenario is the most intriguing. I am making the prediction that this will happen, but I probably won’t be placing any bets on it. The National Championship game will be a rematch of the SEC Championship game. With a Texas loss and a competitive SEC Championship game this is what the BCS will decide. TCU and Cincinnati have already been eliminated but they don’t know it yet. The better the SEC Championship game the easier the decision will be for the BCS. The job of the BCS is to place the 2 best teams in the country against each other. My brief research of the rules led me to the conclusion that this is actually possible. The rules state that only 2 teams from each conference are allowed to play in the BCS games. I could be wrong but I did not find anything saying it couldn’t be in the same game. The Sugar Bowl traditionally takes an SEC team but in this case it would probably involve TCU. Could you imagine the hype leading up to a rematch of Gators-Crimson Tide. We would have one month of Urban Meyer Nick Saban stories. We would have a month of Rocky themed promos talking about Round 2, Winner take all!!! The other option is this. The SEC Champions Florida Gators vs. The Texas Christian University Horned Frog. 85% of the country thinks the BCS is a joke anyways, would they be willing to put the SEC Champions against a team from the Mountain West? I think TCU is a very good football team but answer this question, would they be undefeated in the SEC? The more important question is which game would you rather watch? This is actually written in the BCS eligibility requirements,” whether alternative pairings may have greater or lesser appeal to college football fans as measured by expected ticket sales for the bowls and by expected television interest, and the consequent financial impact on Fox and the bowls.”

This is the bottom line, the BCS is about money and ratings. Alabama Florida Part II is much more marketable than Florida TCU. High profile coaches, Heismen Trophy candidates, and schools rich in tradition. Think of how many players you can name that will be associated with the Florida Alabama game. Now name any player for TCU…ever.

I have to admit that my prediction has many flaws, many of you are probably asking if I was drunk when I wrote this. My interpretation of the BCS rules makes me believe this is actually possible, but I could be wrong. I actually believe this is going to happen. I have convinced myself 100% that there will be a SEC Championship game rematch come January. Whenever I have told somebody about my theory they have quickly shot it down with rock solid facts. I would pretend like I didn’t hear them and then run away screaming “rematch rematch rematch.”

Who is coming with me on this one. What do you guys think?

I just need to say I am the worst blogger in the history of blogs. My strategy is to post 1 blog every 2 months and see how many readers I end up with. I am down to 3 readers now so I’ll try my best to finish them off as well.

It’s Iron Bowl week so I am going to introduce some new features of my blog. I will give you Kuhlers Keys to Victory for Auburn and Kuhlers Crap to Defeat for Auburn. Everyone get ready, I’m going to be throwing a lot of statistics at you. There is obviously a lot at stake here in this game. Alabama is undefeated and number 2 in nation and have great shot at playing in the National Championship game. Auburn is 7-4 but has probably exceeded expectations in Gene Chizik’s first year. A win against Alabama and a win in a bowl game would give huge momentum for Auburn for 2010. It would also boost an already Top 10 recruiting class. Growing up in Auburn the Iron Bowl was always the biggest game of the year, no matter what the records were. I remember hating Alabama as a little kid. I wasn’t sure why but I knew I did. I would follow my Dad into that stadium and sit on the edge of my seat anticipating the action. Going to football games with my Dad were some of my best memories growing up. There was also the time my brother Darren punched me in the face and the time he told me to stand on a chair just so he could push me off of it. Those were special memories as well.

I remember the first time Alabama came to Jordan Hare in 1989. We won 30-20 and Reggie Slack was our quarterback. I remember 1993 in Terry Bowden’s first year at Auburn. Stan White went down with an injury and Patrick Nix threw a touchdown pass to Frank Sanders on his first play. We won 22-14. I remember sitting through the 9-0 win in Tuscaloosa. It was 10 degrees and I found myself sitting inside a garbage bag getting hit in the face with rain. All good memories. As I have gotten older I have toned back my physical enthusiasm. I no longer cuss like a sailor during games, I don’t threaten to attack players when they do something bad, and I no longer swerve at cars in the road that have an Alabama flag. That was last year . It’s time to move on to Kuhlers Key’s to Victory.

Kuhlers’ Key’s to Victory

The keys to victory are very simple. Alabama has to number 1 rusher in the SEC in Mark Ingram. He averages 7 yards every time he runs the ball. That is good. Completely shutting down Ingram is not realistic, he is going to get his yards. I think the key is how he gets them. The Tennessee game is the best example out there on how to beat Alabama. Ingram carried the ball 18 times for 99 yards for a 5.5 yards per carry average and 0 touchdowns. On the stat sheet it looks like a productive day but his long carry for that day was 25 yards. Aside from that one carry his numbers were 17 carries for 74 yards for a 4.4 yard per carry. Tennessee stopped big runs from Ingram and that gave them a chance at the end. Another stat, out of Ingram’s 1400 yards of rushing on the season 55% of them come on 1st down. If you stop him on 1st down your chances of success increase dramatically. 35% of his yards come on 2nd down. That is 90%. 90% of Ingram’s yardage comes on 1st and 2nd down. Out of 11 games Alabama has given him the ball 17 times on 3rd down. On 3rd and 7 or longer he hasn’t gotten the ball once. It is a lot easier said than done but if you can get Alabama to third down Mark Ingram wont beat you. The key to Victory is this. Slow down Mark Ingram and make Alabama QB Greg McElroy beat you. At some point this season, whether is it Friday,next week against Florida, or a major bowl game, Greg McElroy is going to become the hero or the villian of Alabama football. He is going to have to make a huge throw or lead them on a historic drive if Alabama is going to achieve what they are trying to achieve.

Kuhlers Crap to Defeat

The Kuhlers Crap to Defeat for Auburn is to do the opposite of stopping Mark Ingram. Let him run wild and you can find me in the fetal position sobbing around 5pm on Friday.

Prediction

In my opinion this is a trap game for Alabama. No sane person would argue who the better team is, but I like our chances. Auburn is coming off a much needed bye week and Alabama has the big one next week. I know its a huge rivalry but the SEC Championship is for all the marbles. I know the players and coaches will say the right thing but how can you not be thinking about Florida just a tiny bit. Factor in that it is also a home game for Auburn and you have all the makings of a potential upset. I’m going for it. Auburn 17 Alabama 14.

This is a story that must be told. I know I just posted a random story about nothing yesterday but this one needs to be told immediately before I lose the feeling I just experienced. Let me set the scene.

After work I go to the YMCA for some exercise. I was really excited about the steam room and getting a good sweat going. I spend some time lifting weights, then I play some basketball and then I head off to the steam room. The steamroom is everything I thought it would be. The menthol was solid and the temperature was perfect. For those of you that don’t know the steamroom is a place where men get naked and sit around. I knew this going into it but I selected to wear pants. I have a strict naked stranger rule. The size of the room is probably 4 x 8 and I go and sit in the back corner. I put a towel over my head and then let my mind wander. A few minutes later I feel a drip on my head, I didn’t really think much of it since there is normally water dripping from the ceilings. A few minutes after that I feel water hitting the side of my face. I thought that was odd. I took the towel off and turned to see a mans goodie package right in my friggin face. This dude was standing up, completely naked, stretching is upper body. He would twist his body to the left and then violently twist to the right slinging water on anything that was in his way. I have prayed to God that the water came from his upper body but there is no way to really tell.  I didn’t know what to do but stare, I tried to pry my eyes away but I was stunned. Back and forth, back and forth , back and forth he went.  I eventually found the strength to cover my head with my towel and try to cope with what just happened. I’ve been in locker rooms before, I understand men and nakedness, but when a man is pretending to be a naked helicopter 12 inches from me I cross the line.  The moral of the story is this, if you are going sit in a room where naked men are stretching make it your priority to always keep your head on a swivel. Be alert and when a man stands up to do naked jumping jacks you run for your life and don’t look back.

Patrick

It’s story time. Let me try to set the stage for you. For starters I love Carrie Underwoods new song, Cowboy Casanova. Its embarrassing to admit but I its the truth. I tend to make up dance moves when I hear it, it doesn’t matter where I am, when the mood hits me its on. The location of this unfortunate incident happened at a stop light in Brentwood, Tennessee. I had been working so I looked pretty rough. I pulled up to a stop light and started to flip through radio stations. Then it happened. I had found Cowboy Casanova. Without skipping a beat I started dancing. Since I was in my truck I was somewhat restricted but I didn’t let that stop me. I have to admit I was really working it, I was using multiple Tiger Woods fist pumps, alternating arms, and even using new angles to throw my fist pumps. When I wasn’t using fist pumps I was doing this weird move like I was throwing ninja stars. I was in zone. When you throw in the head movements and the singing it turns into quite a sight, especially at a red light with the windows down. When the song was over and my truck stopped swaying back and forth I turned to the car next to me and saw the most amazing thing. It was a Chinese woman in her mid 50’s and we both just stared at each other for a second. I had this dumb looking grin and she had this look of complete disgust. She looked like she just ate 4 pounds of sweet and sour chicken and then got a negative fortune cookie. I couldn’t figure out why she was so angry with me, I just entertained her for 45 seconds. She must of been jealous. Thankfully the light turned green and I just gunned it.

With the triathlon season over I am in need for a new hobby or challenge. The best stuff I have is writing about me dancing at an intersection. Please help. I m open to any ideas you might have.

Patrick

Auburn vs. LSU

October 24, 2009

6:31pm – The running diary is back. Here is my prediction. The Tigers will win tonight.  LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

6:37pm – Auburn stalls on offense and has to punt it away. The announcers have already said the word wildcat 13 times. I’ve been trying to figure out another nifty name for the wildcat. Here are my choices: Sneaky Cat, Fast Kitty, Dangerous Puma, and the list goes on and on.

6:45pm – Auburn makes the stop on 3^rd down but gets flagged for a personal foul. According to the announcer he used the helmet as a weapon.  What are his other options? If Etheridge would of taken off his helmet, dropped kick the LSU player then proceeded to tie him up to the goalpost then slapped the LSU guy with his helmet I would buy the weapon thing. Its football, its supposed to be a contact sport.

6:50pm – LSU 7 – Auburn 0.  LSU rammed it down our throat. Thinking about running through traffic later.

6:59pm – Another personal foul on Auburn, even though we are 6 minutes into the game it looks like Auburn could potentially implode any second now. We are on pace to have 425 yards of penalties. If that is the case its going to be a contest to see how many yards we let up on defense and how many  yards we give from penalties. I’m sorry, that was a cheap shot.

7:05pm – By the way, the Roof is not on fire and they are not going to let it burn. That was brought to you by the ESPN announcers. Where do they get these guys.

7:10pm – Chris Todd fumbles and LSU recovers. I just spiked a piece of pizza. My attitude is not doing well. On a side note I am sporting a fo hawk right now. I personally think it looks cool, Sarah pointed and giggled. I think that was a good sign.

7:13pm – I am going to work on my attitude, its just a game and I shouldn’t get worked up ove…touchdown LSU. Good Lord help me, I might punch myself in the face before this night is over. 14-0.

7:17pm – End of the first quarter. LSU 14 – Auburn 0.  I am staying positive. Auburn comes back and wins 56-14.

7:22pm – Chris Todd interception. Amazing one handed catch by LSU. Quickly followed by another Auburn penalty. The fo hawk is over. It has clearly jinxed the Tigers.

7:28pm – LSU had back to back first downs. Sarah said the defense just needs to let them score and save their energy. I told her that I didn’t think that was very sportsmanlike and that it didn’t line up with the Auburn Creed. LSU just fumbled and Auburn recovered in the end zone.  I have a good feeling about this game. Write it down, Auburn wins this game.

7:41pm – Auburn defense makes a stop. They look fired up after that fumble recovery. I’m sticking to my prediction. Auburn wins this game.

7:43pm -  I am getting sick of these pizza hut, I just fooled you into thinking you were eating different types of wings but actually they are from wing street commercials. We get it. You are sneaky when it comes to wings.

7:57pm – Auburn defense has LSU in 3^rd and 21. They are playing great defense right now. Auburn just gets a sack. The Auburn defense is keeping us in this game. LSU’s sneaky cat offense has no effect on our defense.

7:57:12pm – We also can’t catch punts. LSU ball. On the bright side Tommy Trott is telling jokes on the sideline. Pretty sure he didn’t know he was on camera.

8:11pm – Halftime. LSU 17 – Auburn 0.  My enthusiasm about the Auburn comeback is decreasing and I would like to redact my prediction on that happening. When you have the ESPN commentators talking about the mental state of the team and how fragile it is you might be looking at a long night. I need to relax for a few minutes so I am changing it to the Goonies.

8:33pm – I had a real bad halftime. My attitude spiraled downward. I thought about breaking up with the Auburn Tigers and going out with the Texas Longhorns. I haven’t made my decision but I did think about it. I come back from halftime only to here ESPN commentator Mark Jones wearing some weird necklace and talking about Tiger Gras. What the crap is that.

8:38pm – Touchdown LSU, I don’t know how they scored. I just looked up at the scoreboard and saw that they had 24 points. LSU 24 – Auburn 0.

8:46pm – Auburn just kicked a field goal and I saw another commercial about those sneaky people over at Pizza Hut exchanging wings. Interest in the game is almost over. The chances of me completing the running diary are slim.

9:01pm – I haven’t been watching the game for the last 15 minutes. The bad news is the Auburn comeback is not looking to good. The good news is that the team over at Criminal Minds found the killer right before the show was done.

9:04pm – Auburns offense looks like Tony Franklin took back over. Cheap Shot, unnecessary. Why does LSU wear white at all there home games? I feel LSU and Auburn have not capitalized on the expanding jersey options. Florida has multiple combinations. Georgia has the all black. Oregon has 363 combinations and 71 different helmets to choose from. I want to see an orange jersey with white pants and blue jersey with blue pants. LSU could go all purple or all yellow. LSU just scored again, but seriously, wouldn’t all purple or all orange look cool. The argument would probably be made that it breaks tradition. Did you know what else breaks tradition?  5-7 seasons and 3 game losing streaks. Get over it and get all orange jerseys.

9:25pm – LSU misses a field goal. I happened to catch it because it was a commercial break from the Texas game. Hook’em Horns.

9:30pm – 6:17 left to go in the game and I am officially calling it. Sarah keeps asking me when is the game going to be over and I keep telling her it was over 2 hours ago. She pulls a slick move on me and puts down a plate of chocolate chip cookies. Cookies work every time when I am sad and gloomy. At some point when I was eating cookies 2 at a time the channel was changed. Nicely done.

I am a week late for the results of the Atlanta Triathlon but the reality is that it was uneventful. I didn’t throw up and I didn’t have to grab floating debris in the water screaming like a little girl. I posted my best time out of all the races and actually beat people in my division. The temperature at the beginning of the race was 51 degrees so that made the swim a little more interesting. Everyone crashed into the water looking for position but I played my aggressive strategy out by tip toeing into the water and splashing myself to not have a case of the chillies. I made it through the swim fine and felt great getting out of the water, got on my bike and actually felt great on that too. The whole thing was odd. I was keeping up with the guys wearing speedos, were shirtless, and wore helmets that looked like they were aliens.  I finished the bike and then just started running. My legs were sore at that point and I did have the urge to cry once or twice but I just kept a leisurely pace. Then a giant bear came out of the woods and ran right at me, I ran to it and punched it in the eye. That was a lie, I just ran to the finish line. It was boring. It was a great feeling to cross the finish line and see my time. My time was 1 hour 34 minutes for .25 swim, 13 mile bike, and 3 mile run. I finished in the middle of the pack but for someone who was finishing last in previous races it was a great feeling.

I plan on continuing some training and racing again next spring. The whole experience has been a great one. The actual race atmosphere is a unique one.  Only a handful of the racers actually have a shot at winning the race. The majority of the racers are out there for personal accomplishment or racing for somebody else. Struggling through the water, the burn in the legs through the bike and run seems to create a bond between everyone experiencing it. When you run by someone you don’t taunt them but you actually pat them on the back and tell them to keep fighting. At the end of the day the goal is to cross the finish line. The person that finishes 1st is celebrated just as much as the person that finishes 50th. Its a great experience. Do a triathlon.

A couple of weeks ago my brothers and I raced in the West Point Adventure Jam. Its considered an adventure race that consists of 3 miles of trail running, 2 miles of canoeing, 13 miles of mountain biking and then obstacle courses and mystery events sprinkled throughout. It is a team event so everybody on the team must be within 30 yards of each other at all times. We have competed in this race the past 3 years. In 2007 I decided to best way to train was to have heat stroke and go on a week long bear hunt in Alaska that whooped my tail. We finished the race around 4 hours, which is a really really bad time. I can proudly say I was the weakest link by a long shot, I had to stop on the run and stop multiple times while mountain biking. Last year we were disqualified because my bike broke and we couldn’t get it fixed, we were actually in the Top 5 overall when my bike broke so there was some disappointment when it happened. On to 2009, lets meet the racers. Justin Kuhlers, oldest brother. Dropped an impressive 50-60 pounds by exercising and diet over the course of about a year. He has turned into a running machine, we are talking 7:30 minute miles over a 10 mile run. Next up, Darren Kuhlers, middle brother. Darren and I both share a love for the buffets. When we worked together in Auburn we were capable of walking into Golden Corral at 10:30am with the biggest smiles on our faces. At 10:37 we would both express our lack of judgment in going there. We would regret putting our bodies through the pain and then top it off with a plate that consisted of cole slaw, ribs, texas toast, sweet and sour chicken, gummy bears, and taco salad. Also, he can run and bike fast. That is the team, Justin, Darren, and myself. Coming into this years race there was a lot of hype because of our strong showing last year. I decided to take it upon myself to destroy that hype in the first few minutes of the race.

We started out on the trail run. Darren was leading, Justin in the middle, and I was bringing up the rear. Within 10 minutes I knew it was not going to be a good day, I felt like the pace was pretty fast and prayed to God that it would slow down. Then I saw the sign that doomed me, Darren, leading the way, raised his finger up in the air and twirled it around a few times. It was his way of saying the warm up was done and now its time to step it up, or imagine if you were water skiing. It would be the sign you would make if you were calling the guy driving the boat a sissy, encouraging him to speed it up and make it a challenge. If Darren or Justin would of turn around at that moment they would of seen me with both hands in the air giving two giant thumbs down, which is universal for “ has anybody seen my hamstring, how about my lung?” To make a long story short I was the weakest link. At one moment I would talk to God and pray that strength would come, the next moment I would come up with a sentence that was mostly expletives. The good news is that we finished the race and passed multiple teams on the mountain biking stage, we weren’t going extremely fast but stayed consistent all the way through. We finished in 3 hours and 10 minutes and ranked 8 out of 18 all male teams. I also had a lady come ask me if I needed to see a doctor after the race, that is how bad I looked and felt. After the race we did the only logical thing we could think of. We went to the Western Sizzler. Darren had convinced me it was a delicious, wonderful selection of satisfying food. I realized he must of been suffering from dehydration because it was tasted like rotten eggs.

Coming up next week is the Atlanta Triathlon. Stay tuned.

This was a practice run for the Auburn game. The goal was to see if I could come up with stupid things to say every few minutes. I succeeded. My publishing company is running the numbers on the running journal, if the numbers are good it could become a consistent thing on the Kuhlers Nation. Make sure you place a vote on the poll on the right side of the screen.

Tennessee Volunteers vs. Florida Gators

September 19, 2009

2:30pm

2:32pm – Welcome to the  running journal. I am doing a practice run in preparation for the Auburn West Virginia tonight. There has been a lot of hype building up to this game. Lane Kiffin has accused Florida’s head coach of cheating and has done his fair share of trash talking towards Florida and Urban Meyer. All of the experts are saying that Florida will win by 6 touchdowns. I personally am not jumping on that bandwagon. The final score will be Florida 173 – Tennessee 7.

2:46pm – 3-0 Florida. I must say that was anti-climatic. I was expecting Timmy Tebow to eat some guys arm on the way to the endzone. UT’s defense actually held their ground. I think I am going to change my prediction. Florida 121 – Tennessee 14.

2:59pm – Tennessee’s offense is shoving it down Florida’s throat right now. I don’t think Florida can stop them. Lane Kiffin for Coach of the Year. UF 3 – UT 3

3:15pm – One of the announcers just said, “the score is 3-3, Tennessee is winning.” What in the world does that even mean?

3:16pm – Timmy Tebow just plowed over Eric Berry from Tennessee. I think I heard Timmy call him a Philistine as he lowered his shoulder. TV timeout… on a side note about Timmy Tebow. If you had a daughter wouldn’t you want her to marry Tim Tebow. He follows God, seems good looking, respectful, polite, and will make 10 million dollars next year. I am 28 right now with no children in sight. If I were to have a daughter in 2 years that means she would turn 20 in 2031. Tebow will turn 44 in 2031. So what I have whipped up here is a 44 year old Tim Tebow marrying my 20 year old daughter. That actually sounds like it would be kinda weird, but I’d be willing to make it work because I love my daughter. Florida scored while I was wasting my time creating the Tebow Kuhlers wedding party. 10-3 Florida.

3:38pm – I got up to walk around only to come back to Florida 10 – Tennessee 6. Timmy threw an interception, I am sure we will talk about it in 20 years at our first Christmas together.

3:48pm – I am starting my halftime early. Florida kicked a field goal and lead 13-6. This game doesn’t have the fireworks that I was expecting and Tommy Boy is about to come on.

4:46pm – I just turned back to the game and the score is 23-6 Florida. The announcer keeps talking about baseball and how Tennessee could of been out of the inning. This is the same guy that said the score was 3-3 and Tennessee was winning. CBS must not have the resources to upgrade the commentators in this economy.

5:05pm – I have officially lost all interest in this game. I’m not sure what my expectation was. Florida scoring 90 points to rub it in, Urban Meyer putting on Tebow’s jersey and punching Kiffin in the face. Its 23-6 with 11 minutes to go and Florida has not allowed a touchdown all year. That means that Tennessee needs to kick 6 field goals in the next 11 minutes. I did that once on a video game.

5:32pm – Final Score is 23-13 Florida, this is the last chance for any drama, the mid field hand shake. I’m thinking some punches will be thrown. Awesome stuff, they shook hands and walked off. This was a waste of 3 hours.